At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
