is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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