i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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