when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
