woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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