Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So vagazzling was a success
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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