Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
