there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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