I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
