I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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