I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
