who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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