Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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