You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
