WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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