I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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