You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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