god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
