Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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