I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
