The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
