So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
