My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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