I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
