Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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