Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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