cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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