I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
it's like iHOP with fire
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
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