My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
