so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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