Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
