Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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