I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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