Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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