I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
