I'm gonna have a badass scar
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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