put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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