I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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