The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
