Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i think i have two assholes
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
