I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You may now shotgun with the bride
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
