I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
