got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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