when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
