: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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