I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
