so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
