He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
