I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
