i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
