fuck your aforementioned shoe
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I need moral support for this bender
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
