If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
