Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
